Rise and Fall of Arrange Marriages in India: Part 2

By the time I wrote, reviewed, and published the part one of this post, I was exhausted. In the process, I also realized that arranged Hindu marriage is indeed very complex in nature.

After reading the post, one of my friends felt that the post might portray India negatively. It made me wonder if I was demeaning the country/religion. It, certainly, was not my intention. I was writing it as a matter of fact from personal experience and observations. It is true that things are changing and exceptions are being made more than ever now. Will the system remain relevant in the years to come is to be seen.

Before I come to the challenges that the system faces, it is worthwhile to take few moments to appreciate the system that is probably "successful".

1. Grey hair over hormones: Experience does count. Having gone through the trials and tribulations, the elders probably have a better sense over raging hormones. Assuming that they have a broader outlook and wisdom, families can provide a third person viewpoint. This can make selection process holistic. 
2. Highway or offroad: The fact that there are so many parameters that are applied while choosing a spouse, one can expect that there will be many things common between the life partners. Even for two people who have known each other well, marriage can reveal perfect strangers to each other. Since the system brings together people who have had similar upbringing, culture, traditions, beliefs, food production & consumption habits et al it ensuring homogeneity. While offroading does give hormonal rush, driving on the highway with clear directions and a smoother surface does provide one an opportunity to zoom ahead in life. 
3. Family at the core: Marriages in India have always been more about the families coming together than the bride and the groom binding themselves in the wedlock. It is more about the confluence of two families. If you consider a couple to a tree, the families act as farmer enriching the soil. Arranged marriage allows the family to plan and prepare the ground for the two individuals to ease into the highly complex institution of marriage. 
4. System for escalation and arbitration: As arranged marriages is about families, ensuring that the relationship lasts becomes responsibilities of the families. The success of a marriage is not two individuals' crusade but a collective movement. And collective strength can be much stronger than individual will. Families provide a platform for the couples not only to share happiness but also use it as a platform to smoothen the rough edges. 

Indeed, there is no qualitative data to say with certainty that arranged marriage works better than a system of free will. But I wonder if there is any data to prove that love marriage is a better system. If divorce rate is any indicator of success, then certainly arranged marriages last longer, at least in India. Again, these numbers do not indicate the success of a marriage, love or arranged. 

That brings us to the important question. What is marriage? I got into an intense discussion and debate on the topic of marriage with three educated, urban and erudite women. Must say, I am now confused what marriage even means? That and much more in the final part of this series! 

Rise & Fall of Arranged Marriages in India: Part 1

To many in the western world, the concept of arranged marriage is as mystical, if not more, as many other things about India. I have often attempted an answer when asked about it. Whether I did a good job or failed miserably, I am not sure. Hence, this blog. An attempt nothing short of the magna opera churned out by Bollywood with lavish "Indian" weddings as their themes.

It would be unwise to assume that arranged marriages are a unique Indian phenomenon. They are not even limited to Hindus in India. In fact, arranged marriage was the norm even in the Western world.

I am attempting to document this fairly complex system of match making largely from the Hindu perspective of which I have little understanding. Hopefully, it will explain rather than confuse.

What is Arranged Marriage?
It is the process of selection of spouse for the child by the parents with the support of their circle of relatives and friends. The entire process of selection, wedding and consummation is managed by the family. The participating bride or groom have but limited say in the affair. The family and other elders not only have the right to refusal but also may exercise their veto power over the decision of the bride or the groom.

Who are the enablers?
Usually, the immediate family members are the primary enablers. In case the family and immediate circle is unable to find the suitable person, then the services of a broker is sought. The broker is now being fast replaced by the matrimonial sites. Please be aware that these are not the dating sites that are more popular in the Western world. The matrimonial sites are purely for the benefit of those who intend to get married.

What is love-cum-arranged marriage?
This is a new development and a response to the changing social scenarios caused due to the growth of individualism. Considering the importance of family in India, it is becoming common that the children find their partner but marry only with acceptance and blessings of their parents.

This is turning out to be a boon for all as it provides the leeway to the young ones to meander in the market and find eligible one while allowing parents to preserve their perceived sense of position in the family hierarchy and respect in the society.

I, myself, make a good case study of this love-cum-arranged marriage trend. This process can be straightforward or extremely complicated depending on the mismatch in the parameters that I am going to enlist below.

So, what are the matches?
In order for two people to get married in India, there  are many criteria to be considered. Here are some of them listed in no particular order.

1. Religion match: A no-brainer but there could be exceptions. For example, despite belonging to different religions, Nadar Christian may approve of Nadar Hindu and vice versa. But in general religion is the most fundamental parameter. 
2. Caste match: Again a no brainer but it is not as simple as it sounds. There are many complications which you will understand in the parameters listed below.  
3. State match: This is another peculiarity in India. The country is divided on linguistics basis. Belonging to the same caste but from a different state doesn't assure an approval.  
4. Sect match: This is equally important. Many may already be aware that there are four general classifications based on the varna system. But within each of the levels there are further subdivisions. For example, Tamil Brahmins are divided into two categories - Iyer (those who follow Lord Shiva) and Iyengars (those who follow Lord Vishnu). Just because both are brahmins, marriages are very uncommon and avoided between these two sects. 
5. Sub-sect match: The match now becomes more narrow, The funnel by this time is pretty well defined but still can cause issues. For example, Saiva Pillai may not prefer Asaiva Pillai. Within Iyers, vadama may not prefer brahacharanam or vathima or palakkad brahmin. 
6. Socio-Economic match: One of the salient features of arranged marriages is that during the selection process the elders also keep an eye on the socio-economic background of the family from which they are selecting. The usual rule that I have heard here is that you can give your daughter to someone from the higher level than yourself but take a girl who is from the lower level. 
7. Character study: A good character certificate cannot be undermined in arranged marriages. Usually, a reference check, in the lines of the background checks done by corporates on prospective employees, is very common. 
8. Horoscope match: A very important step. Horoscope of a person which is drawn exactly at the moment birth is believed to predict how someone's life will progress. Before wedding, the families match the horoscopes of the prospective bride and the groom. The general rule here is that out of the possible ten parameters, there should be a minimum of five positive matches. Anything less is not progressed upon. 

In all these, there is just one exemption. Gotra is one parameter where it is expected that there shouldn't be a match. It is believed that every family is a descendant of a sage. Marriage between the Gotra is akin to promoting incest.

This is the end of part 1 of the post. I didn't realize that it would be no less an effort than organizing a wedding itself. In the next and probably the concluding part, I will post my opinions on the benefits of arranged marriages and the challenges this system of matchmaking faces. 

When Casteism Hit Me

Before I begin, let me warn that some might find the post offending. If you don't want to read it, please close the window and move forward. But if you are a good Hindu and want the religion to grow, please read it with an open mind.

Let me also disclose that I was born into a Brahmin family. I am married to a wonderful lady who is not a Brahmin. I have grown to become an atheist though I do feel like a Hindu. I know it sounds strange and, probably, I would explain this sometime later in a different post.

My father passed away on March 4. Like any other important event, Hindu religion has several rituals that needs to be performed. And the son is at the center of these rituals. Even as my father was being cremated, my troubles started. Towards the end of the day even before I could receive my father's ashes, the Vathiyaar (the person who performs the rituals) informed that he will not be able to perform the procedures for the rest of the days. If you did not know, there are important procedures till the 13th day. And, then, of course, there are more.

His reason was that my wife is non-Brahmin. And as per "rules", he was not allowed to perform the procedures and my wife did not qualify to be part of these rituals. I dismissed it thinking probably he was an exception. I thought, rather foolishly, that with education and various reform movements things had changed and that differentiation based on caste was a thing of the past. At least in Chennai which is a metro. Of course, I am not naive to think that the tyrannical system is obsolete.

After speaking with quite a few Vathiyaars, it was clear that no one would perform the rituals if my wife was part of it. The options for me then were:

1. Have a non-Brahmin perform them for me which was not going to be acceptable to my family which again proves the entrenchment of the caste system, or, 
2. Not have my wife participate in the procedure.  

I chose the second option. As atheists these rituals were meaningless for both my wife and myself. We felt that she was better off focusing on her career than extend her holidays and fret over the ridiculous system. But a pall of gloom has descended upon the entire family. They felt bad that someone in the family who was so much involved during the last few difficult days of my dad was now being forced not to be part of the rituals. Of course, it is hypocrisy that I chose to perform the function with Vaathiyar instead of not doing any ritual at all. 

This incident is not an exception. I noticed this distinction (discrimination based on caste) in Thirukadaiyur about which I have written earlier.  

Of course, Brahmins are not the only ones who perpetuate this heinous system. It is practiced by everyone. Many Dalits still don't have the 'rights' to visit village temples. There are walls built creating a ghetto for them. And even today in many villages lower caste members are served tea in different glasses in shops. And the guys who discriminate are not necessarily Brahmins, these are what media refers to as 'Caste Hindus'. 

Someone can ask if this is true only for Hinduism. No, of course, not. In fact, differentiation is a common thread that runs among all religions. Roman Catholics and Protestants differ and have fought war. And that Shias and Sunnis are at a bloody war. Even Shvetambars and Digambars have different views in Jainism. No religion is left untouched.

So why am I focusing on Hinduism? It is because as I said though I am an atheist, I still believe that I am Hindu. I have been raised as a Hindu. I firmly believe that the principles and philosophy that it is based on is far more scientific. But importantly for me, I believe that the religion is more open to change. But the caste system that discriminates is the only negative element that doesn't seem to have gone away. 

Thirukadaiyur: Religious Business

Shashtiabdapoorthi, Bheema Ratha Santhi and Sadabhishekam are very important decennial events for Hindu men, atleast in Tamil Nadu. I wouldn't go into details of each, you could Google and figure it out yourself. But it would be worthwhile to surmise that Thirukadaiyur is the place that one goes to when they hit 60, 70 and 80 to offer prayers to the Divine Being. You may either click here or here to get more information. Despite whatever I claim about my leanings on religion, mythology interests me a lot.

Well, what interests me equally is management.

I went to the temple, recently, on my father's 70th birthday to perform Bheema Ratha Santhi. And in Thirukadaiyur, I observed excellent practice of management principles. The temple and its happenings reminded me an excellent market place, replete with fierce competition. While Thirupathi is a very large market with many unorganized players, Thirukadaiyur is a perfect oligopoly. There are just a few, what I would call long-life pooja, service providers.

1. Division of labour: Each of the service provider had a great organization structure. While the main vaathiyar is the CEO, the initial archanas are performed by an employee (junior kurukkal) before handing over the client to a senior kurrukkal for performing homams. Not only that, the front office is manned by another set of staff with primary responsibility of ushering in the acquired customer. Players in the client servicing and hospitality industry have loads to learn from these set of efficient operators. Everyone has a distinct role and process is followed to the hilt. 
2. Usage of common infrastructure: The temple management is quite business-friendly providing a set of infrastructure that the operators can use, more like plug-and-play. Be it space within the temple or the musicians (read mela thalam) or even the elephant. I was pleasantly surprised to see that despite extreme hostility between different operators, the common resources were being used quite effectively without any tensions. It was quite funny to see the pachyderm marching up and down the corridor from the entrance gate till the main door of the temple, meticulously accompanying the couple who perform the pooja. In fact, I am sure that the elephant probably has such a huge practice that even if the mahout is not there, it will do its job.
3. Partnering: Photographer and the hotel staff are the business partners. It is a win-win two-way relationship. The photographers also double up as collection agents.
4. Packages: What I found discriminatory about the pooja is that there was a different package for poojas for Brahmins and Non-Brahmins. I don't know what is the difference between these two packages. If I have one suggestion to these religious men. The packages should not be based on caste but ability to pay by customers. The service/package could differentiated be based on the duration of the homams.

Most importantly, the business runs on word-of-mouth. One customer leading to the next. But that doesn't mean the businessmen of religion take it easy. There are good customer service practice, there are marketing collateral in the form of small shloka books and even presence on the Internet.

The entire structure is so good, even God can't complain! Though, He or She may want a cleaner temple.

Don't Break That Coconut

Today, while on my morning walk, I saw a school kid waiting outside a kutty (small) Vinayagar temple with a coconut in his hand. His mom urged him to break the coconut. Apparently, his exams were starting today. Breaking the coconut is an integral part of the Hindu culture. I remember myself doing it just last week when I took my parents to a temple for a pooja.

On my return, I found pieces of coconut and shell scattered around on the road. It upset me a bit. I wondered why should one waste a coconut. When I was young, my dad told me that coconuts which were offered to God in this manner, referred to as sedurkka selutharthu in Tamil, was picked up by poorer sections of the society and consumed.

Now, as I saw those pieces of coconut flesh on the road plastered and dirty, I wondered to myself, if any person with even a bit of self esteem would pick up any of those pieces. It also doesn't augur well for the one performing this mindless act. They are wasting an expensive product thinking the God, if at all (s)he is there, will be happy. Now, I am quite certain that that God will only be sad about it.

But while I have grown to become an agnostic tending to atheism, I have realized that many such rituals were started to provide some meaning to our lives, often has profound meaning. So as usual I googled to find the meaning behind this ubiquitous act. And here is what I learned. But look at how we have adapted this ritual. Though I must say that this act of breaking the coconut on roads is more of a Southern phenomenon.

If at all one wants to pursue this act, do it well so that there is no wastage. Otherwise, you could simply offer it fully to some poor person. Or simply give it to the maid at home. With impoverishment so rampant, I am sure that that one coconut will provide good nourishment to a family at least that one day.

But certainly the meaning behind breaking the coconut has been lost in translation.

How Gods Help Stop Public Urination?

Urinating is one of the most popular passtimes for many Indians, especially the man-kind. Well, I have indulged in this pleasure activity, myself.




Pity, erudite section of the society thinks it is bad habit! Government runs campaigns urging people to stop urinating in public, makes or atleast attempts to make rules and tries to penalize offenders. But fails, it does, badly in implementing. Difficult! They could build more toilets.

But then Indians do not demand more toilets. We are religious. Very religious, aren't we? So we build more places of worship. Then fight with each other and destroy others' holy places. But one thing we do in unison is to pee in public. We stand united!

While the followers may not live in harmony, the 'Gods' or 'Messengers' have no issue with coming on the same platform, errr, on the same wall to promote a good cause, as you see in the pics.

Caught on Harrington Road, this is not a new trick but caught my attention. As an aethist, I think more about the concept of God, now. I have wondered how human beings started believing in God, why do we need them? I am still dealing with those thoughts. But in the meanwhile this sighting helped me realize atleast one use of God. Or atleast how man/woman-kind use God?

I felt like Robert Langdon

I am agnostic tending to atheism. I do not believe in God but I love the concept of God. Religion, history and mythology interest me.

It was a long weekend this October. Savitha and I were contemplating a visit to Horsley Hills or Bandipur. Unfortunately, all places were full.

We were dejected. That is when we thought about Story Trails. Story Trails is an organization that conducts a variety of trails in Chennai. Each trail is a concept. There are Temple, Peacock, Country Roads, Mystic (recently, added we were told) trail to choose from. When we called, we were told that Steeple Chase was being planned that Saturday. Steeple Chase is a trail that tracks the history of Christianity in Chennai.

Before I write about the Steeple Chase experience, let me tell you little about how it is organized. Each trail requires a minimum size. You will be asked to come to a designated spot at a particular time. A storyteller is assigned to conduct the trail. For Steeple Chase, our storyteller was Navarre.

So, we assembled at the Madras Race Course, Guindy. Story Trail had organized Tourist Autos for the trip.

Shortly afterwards, the auto took the new Kathipara grade separator and went on Mount Poonamallee Road. Little further, we took a turn and started the ascent to Saint Thomas Mount. It is a pity that despite having lived in Chennai for more than 15 years and I have not even once been there.

Navarre took us around the place and he explained to us how the Jesus’ disciples took different directions after the resurrection. Saint Thomas is believed to have crossed the Middle East and landed on the Malabar Coast where he set up fellowship. Then somewhere in 72 AD, he is believed to have come to Chennai. He used to pray at the mount there and spoke of Jesus and his teachings. He is believed to have carved a cross which one can see at the Church. As all disciples, Saint Thomas also met a cruel death. As per the depiction in the tablet, he is believed to have been speared to death while praying.

Standing at the Mount, listening to the story and looking at the depictions, I felt as if I was transported to 72 AD. I imagined a different Chennai. Probably, the Eastern Ghats had more hills than it has now. It probably would have been a thick green forest and not cemented monster.

Ah one controversy there. There is also a belief that it was not Saint Thomas but another Thomas from Armenia. We will keep it aside for a moment.

After spending some time, the autos took us to towards the city. We crossed Saidapet, Nandanam and finally made way to Luz Church Road. I have crossed this Church so many times while I go to Mylapore Club for my morning tennis but never gave a thought.

The story behind the Luz Church dates back to the 17th Century when the Portuguese arrived in Chennai. They are believed to have seen a light from the shore and followed it. When they landed on the shores (Santhom), they built what is now known as the Santhom Basilica. But they realized that the light was actually coming from far behind and they tracked it to the place where the Luz Church is built. And that is how the Church also got its name. Luz (pronounced a looz) in Portuguese means LIGHT! I am wondering next time, I tell an auto drive to go to ‘looz’ Church he would probably think I am a ‘loosu’.

As he showed around, he brought us to a plaque given to the Church by ARMENIAN TRADERS! Remember the other Thomas who was also Armenian from Saint Thomas!



This is also historically significant as after 72 AD, this is the next sign of Christianity in Chennai. Maybe at the time of Saint Thomas, it was not even called Christianity.

From there, we took the Luz Church Road towards the Santhom Basilica. Since we were behind schedule, we could not go there. Taking the beach road, we crossed Marina Beach (world's second longest beach, for those who did not know) and came to Fort Saint George. Today, the Fort also houses the State Assembly. After a brief security check, we went inside to visit the Anglican Church. Actually, as the name suggest, it is more a Fort than a Church. Built by Military architects, it was fashioned in such a way that it can withstand a battle. Anglican form of Christianity probably came to Chennai as soon as it was established by Henry VIII. It was also built because many Brits for lack of an Anglican place of worship went to the Portuguese Churches and were getting married to the women there. One of the interesting discoveries that we made there was that the funds for Yale University went from our own Chennai! Elihu Yale who was a Governor with British East India Company was stationed, right here. He is believed to have sent ‘gifts/funds’ towards the setting up of the varsity.

The next stop really shook us, both figurative and literally. We were to go to Parry's corner where Armenian Church is located. Now for anyone who knows Parry's Corner knows how crowded and noisy the place is. The auto went through alleys and stopped at the side of the Church. We entered the Church through a door which reminded me of the haveli in the movie Garam Masala. And believe me, it was a different world inside. You step into the Church and you find the atmosphere serene and unbelievably silent. One cannot imagine how calm it is inside. It is definitely an architectural marvel.

Now interesting thing about this Church is that there is no service. The place was gifted by Brits to Armenian traders. Armenians dealt with precious commodity unlike British who were trading in almost all communities. Also, we were told that Armenians preferred the British to others. The Pope of Armenian Churches visited this very place of 'worship', recently. The Church itself had a bit of mausoleum influence. Pity we could spend more time there as it was closed for the day.

Of course, by the time we went to the last stop of Steeple Chase, we could not even go inside the Church or should I say Kirk. It was the Scottish Presbyterian Andrew's Kirk. Situated just off the Poonamallee High Road and behind the Egmore Railway Station, this Kirk is the symbol of long-lasting enmity between British and the Scots. Despite the fact that Scots fought along with the Brits, they were given a piece of marshy land while Armenian traders got a place in the heart of the city.

As Navarre narrated the story of how the Kirk was built, I remembered a program about St. Petersburg in Discovery. Since it has marshy land, Scots first laid pillars on top of which they put a slab. The Kirk was then built on top of the slab.

With Andrew's Kirk, we came to the end of our trail of Christianity in Chennai.

Navarre said that Christianity in Chennai was always contemporary in the sense that any changes that happened elsewhere immediately was introduced here.

India, by itself, has been the land where different religions were born and flourished - Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism and Sikhism. Some have fared better in other countries than here. Buddhism, today, is practiced in large numbers in many other countries than in India. One of the important lessons we learn, in the History taught in schools, is that Indians are fine with foreigners ruling us. Many empires were established by people who were not originally from India. Mughal dynasty is probably the best example. Also, the trail makes it clear to me that God as a concept will never die. People need more of Her or Him, whether native or foreign. Christianity, a true imported stuff! Is it the fascination of Indians, in general, with 'foreign' stuff?



Oh as for me, the chase brought the Robert Langdon in me. As Savitha had observed my expression while I touched the tablets and crosses reminded her of Tom Hanks in Da Vinci Code.

History does fascinate me. These monuments are testimony of our past. They are proofs of our behavior then and now.

Oh yes, I am looking forward to do the other Story Trail. It is one amazing experience. The way it is organized and the small small things (the takeaway, I mean) are really thoughtful. So if you are in Chennai or are visiting the city, discover finer nuances with Story Trails. Let the story teller weave the magic for you, as Navarre did for us, that evening.

Call them at +91 44 4212 4214 or visit Story Trails.